What does it really mean to find yourself?
Have you ever reached the realisation that you've completely lost touch with yourself? You don’t know who you are anymore. It hits you like a ton of bricks. I had that revelation a few years back. I had moulded myself to fit other people’s expectations of me. At the same time, I had eroded my sense of self and who I truly was.
It was a lightbulb moment that something needed to change. I wanted to be myself. But I had no idea who that was, I needed to sort my real self out from who I had become to please other people. Much of my journey of rediscovering myself happened in my journal. I would journal to explore what I liked and disliked, what I believed in, what I was passionate about, what I wanted to do with my business and where I wanted to take my life. My journey of self-discovery is an ongoing one. It has already got me to a place where I am living much more happily with who I am, as well as who I am becoming because we are always changing and evolving. It feels good!
I know the concept of ‘finding yourself’ is full of clichés, so I wanted to share some of my genuine life experiences in hopes of inspiring you to take a step on the journey of living happily and comfortably with who you really are.
Why you might feel lost
The feeling of losing yourself creeps up on you. One day you’re fine, the next you don’t know who you are. You might find it useful to explore how you got here to gain insight into the experiences that led to this. What eroded your sense of self? Here are some possibilities that might sound familiar.
Focused on others
This could be completely innocent. You've been through a time in your life when you had to focus on supporting others such as becoming a mum or caring for a parent. There were few moments when you could put yourself first so you lost the connection to who you are as an individual. At times, it’s a bit more insidious. Some people push their opinions and expectations on us, making us feel like we have to follow their rules for life and ignore our own desires, needs and ambitions.
Life no longer aligns
Who we are changes. I was a completely different person in my 20s compared to who I am now in my 40s. As we go through life and the variety of experiences we encounter, we gradually change and we want different things. If your circumstances haven’t kept up with who you are now, you may feel disconnected from who you truly are and feel pressure to conform to the person life seems to require you to be.
Confused by the noise
From random people giving advice on social media to posters at the bus stop telling you what to buy, there’s an overwhelming volume of noise. It’s really distracting and confusing. What if I don’t want that? Listening to your inner wisdom is not what we are told to do so it’s a bold move to look inwards.
Damaged self-esteem
If you have had an experience when someone would tear you down for who you were, it’s hard to identify who you want to be. Your core qualities have been used against you. You’ve changed yourself to protect yourself. You’re left not knowing what thoughts and beliefs come from you and what they have implanted. As someone who has experienced bullying in the workplace and personal life, I completely understand how hard it is to know yourself when you’ve been conditioned to doubt yourself.
Comparisonitis
With the digital world giving us so much insight into other people’s lives, comparison is rampant. It's difficult not to wonder why you can’t keep your home as suspiciously clean as theirs. It’s common practice to put other people on pedestals and to belittle yourself. Beyond the fact that most things shared online are sugar-coated, your uniqueness should be celebrated. You’re not supposed to be like them.
I can’t give you the answer to why you feel so lost. Right now, you probably can't either! However, you can start to find out for yourself with some self-exploration. Start by journaling on these prompts:
What causes you to feel uncomfortable? How often, and when, do you feel like this?
Write about when you feel most comfortable with yourself. How often, and when, do you feel like this?
How to find yourself again
So you’ve identified and explored your sense of not knowing who you are. What now? How do you get back to a strong sense of self? Again, everyone’s journey is different. Here are some ideas for you to play with to see if they feel right for you.
Greater self-awareness
Take the time to look inward and notice things about yourself. Consider how you react to things. Find out what makes you tick. Look at your beliefs and habits. Explore whether they feel aligned or no longer feel useful. Self-exploration and self-discovery are both a chance to get to know your truest self. Journaling is a great self-coaching tool to help you look inward and find out who you really are.
Commit to self-leadership
No one knows what you need, what you want, what will make you happy and what will fulfil you like you do. Instead of looking for answers externally, listen to your inner wisdom. You can figure it out yourself, trust me - you are the best person to do this. You don’t need anyone else to tell you what to do. In fact, that’s the last thing that will help you to rediscover yourself. You are in the driver’s seat of your life.
Let go of ‘shoulds’
I don't like ‘shoulds’. They don’t mean anything. Who made the rules of what we should and shouldn’t do with our lives? Who are they to tell us what to do? ‘Shoulds’ can be sneaky so pay attention to your thoughts, beliefs and decision-making. Notice if it’s something you think you ‘should’ do, ask yourself why and consider whether that reason still aligns with your values.
Exceed expectations
Let go of all expectations of who you are and what you want to do with your life. That’s expectations coming from yourself and other people. Who you have been and what you’ve done doesn’t define who you are and what you do now. How other people expect you to behave is none of your business putting it nicely. Shake off those restrictions and approach your life with an open mind.
Work on self-doubt
Living authentically and finding your own way in life takes courage. It’s courage you absolutely have, just be mindful that it won’t always feel easy. You may be tempted to fall back in line because following your own values and ambitions feels too hard, plus be prepared that some people close to you won't like the changes you are making for yourself. On this journey of self-discovery, build up your self-belief. That will help you to take the action necessary to live as you want to without worrying about external validation. You are capable and you are deserving of what you really want. Remind yourself of that. You might find my 7 days of self-love journal prompts helpful with this.
Take action
On a journey of self-discovery, it’s very easy to get stuck in a cycle of self-improvement where all you do is reflect and build knowledge. That’s great but it’s not going to make your life more fulfilling unless you take action. You don’t know until you try so give yourself permission to take imperfect action. Allow yourself to get it wrong so you can get it right sooner rather than later. We learn a lot by doing. Go for it!
Look at what you don’t want to look at
In my coaching experience, I’ve seen clients make the biggest leaps of progress when they look at what they don’t want to look at. They get uncomfortable and work through areas of resistance that they’d rather ignore. That’s when they have massive revelations of understanding themselves better and identifying what has been blocking their path forward. If we were in a coaching session, what would you not want me to ask about?
A safe space to discover who you really are
Losing yourself feels scary. You could see it as an opportunity to take ownership of your life. This could be a real turning point where you look at what has got you here and intentionally consider what’s next. That being said, self-discovery isn’t always a pretty journey. There’s often sticky resistance and stumbling blocks before you get to the relief of revelations and meaningful change. That’s why I have built a community of people on their personal development journeys. When you do the inner work with a group of like-minded people, it feels like you have a safe and supportive place to unearth it all, make mistakes and ask for help.
With coaches to turn to for extra support, daily journal prompts, guided workshops and community conversations, the Journal Vibe Club could be the safe space you’re looking for to find yourself. Who Are You Really? is the monthly topic for May so sign up before then to join us as we explore this empowering topic. PS - the founder membership price for The Journal Vibe Club ends on 30th April so jump in before it increases!
